🙀 Why I'm afraid of building stuff (2018)
Why I'm writing this ??
Afraid, for me, is a dangerous disease that always counters every decision in my life. With it, I ;
❌ not enjoy what I'm doing/learn/build
❌ always compare me with others
❌ can't focus on what is matter
❌ always procrastinate
❌ thinking of when is the great time to build, instead of just build that shit
I don't wanna be in this shit trap. This feeling will happen to most introverted people like me. With that said, I'm gonna list my perception/thinking/stuff that stuck in my head, maybe the source of my afraid feeling. Then, I want to find the solution to get out from this f*** trap;
Haha, I dunno. Sometimes I afraid to share/post on Twitter because I'm afraid of feeling stupid. Shit to myself 😂.
What I will do next is to limit myself on social media, maybe just 1-2 hours per day, to get back my Deep Work.
cloistered with university stuff 🏫
When I'm a self-taught developer back at school, I have the freedom to learn what I want to. But yeah, be a great student is one of the reasons I get an opportunity to pursue study at university. I thought Computer Science's syllabus is great, but the truth is, it is not for self-taught people like me. Shit, I can learn all that stuff(4 years syllabus) in just 3 months. Right now, I'm wasting my time, doing tutorials/assignments/exams that I didn't enjoy doing. If can, I want to drop out of university, but thinking of my family's financial status, hope that they put on me as the eldest brother in the family, I need to be a good example for them. Also, I get a scholarship to pay my university's fees for 4 years. With that, I get a monthly pocket.
But in my mind right now, with tons of books I read before this, I need to emphasize my own happiness, rather than other people's happiness. Right now, I'm like in a rat race, pursuing A's grade, instead of understanding that topic or build stuff with it.
From school, I'm a guy who always fails in the exam, because I can't see the benefit of getting straight A's. Maybe because I'm a developer, pursuing A's is shit stuff. I only focus on excel in a big Exam that with it, I can pursue another level of school like secondary school, foundation, and university. I fail most a small exam, but get straight A's in a big exam. Not a big deal 🙂.
afraid of fail
Everyone has this kind of feeling, Afraid of Failure, especially for me. This one is hard to get rid of from my mindset. Maybe, the reason I'm thinking like this because of my family's financial status, lack of money, compare myself to others and don't know how to be a better googler. Seriously, I'm gonna get rid of this or lower my thinking of that. I just want to be a human-like Elon Musk who love Failure, Pieter Levels who don't worry to make mistake in public.
afraid of building public
Thinking of Pieter Levels, I love how he doing/build stuff in public. Super cool.
always thinking what others think of me
Great btw when I'm writing this blog. If you read this blog, I wrote this blog personally for me, not for others. I write it briefly in my about page. Yup, this feeling keeps traping me in a nonsense world, where I'm afraid of posting shit/ sharing shit on the internet. As the world keeps moving, I already gradually get rid of this mindset.
This is funny, before this I'm desperate because I can't build anything without money😂. What a shit time back then. Remember this Asyraf, Everythin is Figureoutable 🔥. Luckily, I get a Github Student Pack where I get tons of free stuff like Gorails courses, free one-year domain name, Typeform, and others.
still in Pi-shaped learning
Right now, I'm still in Pi-shaped learning, where the condition that someone experimenting all the stuff he/she like to learn/do/build, then whatever interests them most, it will be him/her pillars/path.
Before this, I'm in a trap of ReactJs world, what a horrible world to me 😂. I can't feel the easiness to build a full-stack app. My friend recommends me to learn Ruby and Rails, super-duper cool for me 🚀. When I'm in React world, I don't have a mindset to build a startup, because playing and arguing with others library, bundler, node modules, CSS stuff, and tons of need to configure. But with Rails, I always have a startup idea with it, what a cool web framework tho. Thanks, DHH.
Right now, my pillar will be on Web app and Devop. I still figuring out for mobile development, maybe, I will choose Flutter(because I have a Java background). So yeah, still in figuring out mode.
Time is very valuable. Even, I very emphasize on time in my family. But yeah, when I enter the university world, my time be more horrible, need to go to the lecture, spend time doing a tutorial, another group assignment, and exam. Damm, you know right, when you be a self-taught developer from your start in life, then you need to do stuff that others ask you to be done, if not, your mark/merit/grade will be bad. Meh, what a horrible 4 years' time in my life.
Maybe I kind of do not like to do something that others ask. A little bit impulsive character. Instead, I want to do something that gets me happiness and challenge my high order thinking. Kind of a Grit person, but in what matters me a lot.
compare with other
Yeah, it is a common mindset for all developers in the world. Comparing my level right now with another guy who is greater than me.
Waah, I get more comfortable with myself when I list out all my fear. Because all these f***ing fear is just temporary, and the world is just a temporary place to live with. Why I need to bother my life with fear instead of enjoying this short life. I think this is not a biological reason, because my parent is an extrovert(my mom mixed with intro and extrovert). This condition is because of me, overthinking stuff, have a negative perception.
Again, I don't want my fear to counter my life, instead, let my fear only to God who created me.
You can do it Asyraf 🚀
Remember this ;
Everything is Figureoutable